Wednesday, January 23, 2013

A Touch Mortal



A Touch Mortal by Leah Clifford

I have labeled this as unreadable, since I cannot finish it.

It has finally happened folks, I've just given up on this dreadful book.

I read 126 pages out of 418 pages, so 126/418 is approximately equal to 30%. I'm calling that, "I gave it a fair chance".

I will give the amazon summary before I delve into why I'm not going to bother to force myself through it. "Eden didn't expect Az. Not his saunter down the beach toward her. Not his unbelievable pick-up line. Not the instant, undeniable connection. And not his wings. Yeah. So long, happily-ever-after. Now trapped between life and death, cursed to spread chaos with her every touch, Eden could be the key in the eternal struggle between heaven and hell. All because she gave her heart to one of the Fallen, an angel cast out of heaven. She may lose everything she ever had. She may be betrayed by those she loves most. But Eden will not be a pawn in anyone else's game. Her heart is her own. And that's only the beginning of the end." AMAZON LINK OF DISAPPOINTMENT

....yeah, that's what I've been trying to read. When I saw it I thought, "What the hell, this won't be so bad. The description of the author is even kind of charming. Can't be too bad." WRONG. DAMN IT. WRONG.

So I'll talk about as far as I got into the book (also, when I was looking for the image for the cover, I discovered this is book one in a TRILOGY. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY).

So it starts off with Eden on the beach where she's moping because she just had a month of partying and now no one is calling or texting her. WAH WAH WAH. LIFE IS HARD. So she contemplates killing herself.

I'm going to stop right there and quote the book, "Her mind went to her other option, the one she considered more every day. What was the difference between feeling dead, knowing her whole life would be that way, and actually being dead? It wasn't like anyone would miss her. They clearly didn't now," (Clifford, page 2, A Touch Mortal).

PAGE 2. PAGE FREAKING TWO. So if no one calls you or texts you, what would be a reasonable response? Oh I don't know, enjoy a hobby, initiate the calls or texts, get a bite to eat, maybe go see your family; something that doesn't involve KILLING YOURSELF.

Clearly, I made it page 126 though. So let me share some other stupid crap I learned.

Eden sits on the beach and while she's all mopey and contemplating death, Az and Gabe just stroll up like "WHAT'S UP GIRL? HOW YOU DOING? AWFUL PICK UP LINES LOL!"

Eden's like, "Whoa now, I don't go for no pick up lines, I have to loathe you on sight because I'M MORBID AND TORMENTED. BLOO HOO HOO."

...then she relents, Az and her go on a date, and then they're in LOVVVEEEEE. Which we don't really get to see because the book then skips forward two weeks. Which we then find out that Gabe and Az are actually angels. Gabe notices Eden doesn't have a 'path' which means she's a 'Sider'. 'Path' seems to be code for life or destiny and 'sider' is code for person who commits suicide.

I'm going to get all up in arms RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. So when Eden decided to kill herself, she apparently began to disappear from the world. No one remembers her, there's not trace of her actually existing, blah blah blah. This took a turn from questionably realistic fantasy to OH, YOU WANT CRAZY TRAIN? YEEEE-HAWWWWW!

...yeah.

So to make Eden all upset to escape the 'Fallen (evil angels who want to torment Gabe and Az sometimes as they're 'good angels')' Az fakes his own death. Eden is all OMG HE DIED, BLOO HOO HOO....WELL LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME TO KILL MYSELF. ROFL. OCEAN IS COLD, OH GOD DROWNING QUESTIONABLY HURTS glub blub blub.

Then Eden becomes a zombie, or a Jesus allegory, I'm not sure which, and 'wakes up' in some house where there's crazy people.

I can't even form words to summarize how horribly strewn together this all was. Everything just happens 'because' and there's no transitioning and we're introduced to characters at such a rapid fire rate that it's questionably difficult to distinguish between everyone besides by their name.

I stopped reading after Eden killed someone who was already dead and decided to leave with some people she just met who are also questionably crazy.

There was no good world mechanics explanation because no one knows how it works, there's no forthright religion to the book, just the fallen angels and upstairs angels (upstairs means heaven I'm pretty sure), there's no development of relationships between characters, and Eden (the main character; I think) is about as likable as soggy cardboard.

If someone has finished this book and would like to try and defend or to get me to reconsider not finishing it, please don't waste your time. This book was not worth the paper it was printed on. There, I said it.

Also, it did this weird, "I'm totally written in third person, but NOW IT SEEMS LIKE I'M IN FIRST PERSON, just kidding, totes in third person...maybe."

...

Happy reading.

4 comments:

  1. KYLE ENJOYED IT TOO!!! YOUR REVIEW, NOT THE BOOK. YOU'RE FUNNY TO MORE PEOPLE THAN JUST MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

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    1. Hahahahaha! I was actually thinking about adding more to this post since I'm still a bit huffy about the book. It was truly atrocious. YAY FOR FUNNY!

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  2. I've been reading your blog for a while now and even though all of your posts are entertaining this one legitimately made me laugh out loud :)

    Oh btw Hello :D

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    1. Haha, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

      HELLO!!! :D

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